Gas, Air and Rum
by N.J Jordbrukaren
Summary: Shepard gets blackout drunk and wakes up with a naked Liara beside her. Doesn't seem so bad, does it? There's just one problem, Shepard is in a relationship with someone else... Kink Meme fill.
1. The Bean People

**Gas, Air and… Rum.**

**N.J Jordbrukaren.**

_A fill that I half-did on the Kink meme. Here is the request description:_

**_"Shepard gets blackout drunk and wakes up to a naked Liara beside him/her. Doesn't seem so bad, does it? There's just one problem, Shepard is in a relationship with someone else.+Shepard tries to keep it a secret his/her LI  
>+Liara gets pregnant<br>+lots of baby mama drama"_**

_Woo! Let's get this mo' fo' crackalackin'! :D_

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><p><span><strong>Cha<strong>**p****ter One: The Bean Peo****p****le:**

_**From: Admiral Hackett**_

_Commander Shepard,_

_I'm ordering the Normandy into dry-dock on the Citadel for much needed repairs. She's seen a lot of action lately and needs a little TLC._

_A small army of techs will take care of the details once you arrive, so let's get your crew out of there. You're all on shore leave: that's an order. We need everybody at their best._

_One more thing: Admiral Anderson has an apartment on the Wards. Head over there when you arrive. I hear it's a nice place._

Admiral Hackett.

Shepard gave the message another once over, her dark eyes squinting slightly as she did so.

"…What?" Why had Hackett ordered this? They were fine! She didn't need rest. "No one needs to rest!"

Garrus peeped his head over the low cupboard he had been rummaging through in the kitchen area. His steely eyes gave the pacing Commander a once over, shortly after which, he concluded that Shepard had yet to realize that she was talking to herself. Again. He closed the cupboard and stood up, knocking his head awkwardly against the upper cabinet as he did so.

He squeezed the tin of… Garrus looked at the object, scrutinizing it closely. Baked Beans…? He thought, positively bewildered by the prospect. How does one bake a bean? More to the point, why would anyone _want_ to bake a bean? He shook his head, looking up to see the Commander staring right back at him.

"Garrus?"

Garrus started a little, shocked by the sudden attention. "I, uhm, Shepard. Are you aware that you were talking to yourself?"

Shepard's eyes searched the room, stopping to settle upon Garrus once more. "Yes?"

The Turian gave her an unsure nod. "Well… okay, then." he frowned as she looked back to her data-pad, effectively blanking him.

"Excuse me, Shepard?" He regretted asking once he had glanced back down to see a sharp frown upon her face. Whatever she was reading was obviously making her unhappy. It took a while for her to acknowledge him again, but eventually she looked up.

"Yes?"

"Could you tell me about Baked Beans?"

Shepard's mouth opened, like she was going to speak, but then she closed it again, her eyebrows furrowing, instead.

"Shepard-"

"-I heard you, Garrus." Shepard tilted her head to one side, nodding slightly. "So, uhm…" She reached forward, pulling the tin out of Garrus' talon. "Baked Beans are beans that have effectively been, well… Baked, I guess." She looked over the tin, noticing the 'dextro' symbol on the top of it. She flashed Garrus a bright smile. "Dextro Baked Beans?"

Garrus nodded in appreciation. "Apparently, so, yes."

Shepard nodded, too. "Whatever will they do next, eh?"

"Who?"

The Commander looked up to Garrus, her frown re-appearing. "Who, what?"

"What will who do next?"

"The Bean people." Shepard shrugged.

Garrus took the tin back from Shepard, lifting it level with his eyes. Shepard could see just by glancing, that Garrus was giving this tin a serious once over. He twisted it every which way, making sure to have seen every possible angle of it. "You mean to say there is a species made up completely of Baked Beans?"

"What?"

"You said _'The Bean People'_. So, there is an entire race of these things?"

Shepard held her hands up in a halting gesture. "Garrus-"

She couldn't stop this train now. Not even if she tried. "And humans eat this? Shepard, that is awful!"

Shepard's expression changed to one of complete mortification. This conversation had gone on for far too long, already. It needed to come to an end. And fast. "Garrus, Baked Beans _are not_ people! They aren't even alive!" That shut him up straight away. "And I don't even like Baked Beans!" Shepard biotically launched the tin towards the entrance of Liara's office, causing it to burst and stick to it. Baked Beans flew out of both ends of the tin, smearing the wall in an orangey-like paste.

A long pause dragged out between them. Nothing surrounded the pair, but silence.

"Well, that answered my next question…"

Shepard sighed, her hands instinctively going to her hips. "What question?"

Garrus looked from Shepard, to the smeared mess upon the wall, and back again. "I was going to ask how you opened the tin."

"Fabulous."

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><p><em>Thanks for reading, so far, peeps. I will be updating this further on here, as opposed to on the Kink Meme. I just find the layout easier.<em>

**N.J, out.**


	2. Well, At Least She Appreciated It

**Gas, Air and… Rum.**

**N.J Jordbrukaren.**

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><p><span><strong>Cha<strong>**p****ter Two: Well, At Least She A****pp****reciated It...**

Liara was frustrated.

For the first time in well over twenty-four hours, she had decided to try and get some sleep. Catch some "Zees" as Shepard said. Had that worked out? No. Not in the slightest. Now she lay, flat on her back, in bed, forearm draped over her eyes… yes, _not _sleeping. It remained as illusive to her as that man. Liara frowned in thought.

_What is his name…? _The Asari chewed on her lower lip as she pondered it. _The Illusive Man, Liara. You Goddess forsaken imbecile. _She sighed. And this was what lack of sleep had reduced her to. She lifted the forearm from her eyes, looking over to her workstation. Upon it, lay an upside-down desk tidy/coffee mug with a stylus placed atop it.

Royal blue eyes rolled. Obviously she couldn't have just turned the desk tidy upright, _then_ place the stylus inside it. No, Liara T'Soni had found that exercise too difficult to execute. She would rather (and, in fact, _did_) spend twenty _very_ tiresome minutes trying to balance to stylus atop the mug, almost crying hysterically every time it rolled off, clattering back onto the workstation.

This was _true_ exhaustion. And that was why her insomnia was so irritating. The feeling of tiredness was there, waiting to be quelled, but her body refused to accept. Well, her mind refused to accept, anyway. She was pretty sure her leg had taken the initiative to doze off.

Liara tried to wiggle her toes.

Yes. That was a lost cause.

Her frown grew deeper. Why did her thoughts always have to become so hectic right before bedtime? The same had always been true of her, right from a young age. Even when she panicked whether she had catalogued her books in the correct order: Alphabetical… when she was a toddler, as Human's would say. Although, Liara would grant that the Galaxies fate was, indeed, unequivocally more important than whether her copy of 'The Little Asari Guide: Goin' Potty!' was in the correct section of her bookshelf, or not.

To be quite honest, it was never just the Galaxies fate on her mind. No. Life could not be that simple, now, could it? Liara looked over to her clock. _5:30AM_. Shepard would be up soon, if she wasn't already. A small smile graced her lips. Shepard was always up now. There was no "if" about it. Time did not really have any meaning in empty space, but the Normandy ran on its own schedule. Shepard, supposedly, always arose at 5:30AM, but Liara had learnt that that was actually 5:00AM. Shepard always exercised and showered after waking up. Liara didn't want to ask herself how she knew that, but she _did_ know it, and that was that. Where was the harm in that?

_Keep asking yourself that, Liara…_

The Asari rubbed her hands over her face. This was hopeless. Sleep eluded her, still. Liara was about to prepare to get out of bed when she heard a loud voice somewhere out in the Mess Hall. She barely caught the tail end of what was being said "-And I don't even like Baked Beans!" She didn't have time to be confused. Something loud and wet slammed against her door, shocking her so much, she tumbled out of bed.

Giving the back of her neck a rub to ease the impact spot, Liara clambered to her feet. Or, tried to, anyway… Her dead leg made it hard. Doing her best, she half stumbled-half dragged herself to the door, opening it.

"Fabulous." _Shepard_.

She and Garrus were stood not too far from her office.

"Is everything okay…?" Shepard's eyes shot up to look at her. Garrus just looked over his shoulder.

"Shepard demolished my Beans." Garrus sounded genuinely heartbroken. Liara eyed up Shepard expectantly, her eyebrow marking cocked.

The Commander sighed, throwing her arms up in the air. "Garrus, they were only beans-"

"Shepard…" Liara continued to look at her.

Shepard glared at Liara, absolutely incredulous. Who was the Commander here? Last time she checked, it wasn't Liara. And the Asari wasn't her mother, either. No, that would have made some of her private thoughts quite inappropriate…

"_What?!_" Shepard clenched her jaw when Liara remained unfazed by her question. The pair stared at one another for a few seconds before Shepard sighed, her hands going up in a surrendering gesture. "Fine! Garrus, I'm sorry." She could see Liara still staring at her from the corner of her eye. "Look, I'll make you Turian waffles, or something? Okay?"

Garrus' mandibles twitched. A smile. "Yes!" He turned to Liara, patting her on the back before making his exit. She stumbled on her dead leg, using the door behind her as leverage. In doing so, she accidently put her hand in the bean residue.

"Uhm… my bad. I'll clean that up straight away." Shepard scratched the back of her neck, her feet shifting awkwardly.

Liara dabbed her digits together, testing out the feel of the thick orange gloop. "What is this?" Shepard would be hard pressed not to laugh at the sheer look of disgust on Liara's face, but she managed to suppress the urge.

"Baked Beans-"

"Which you do not like?" Liara interrupted.

Shepard frowned, eyeing the Asari cautiously. "Yeah…?"

"I overheard you, earlier." Giving the liquid another glance. "I am glad it is only, uh… Baked Beans? I originally assumed a Krogan had exploded outside my office." Liara deadpanned, holding her outstretched hands at a distance as she searched for something to wipe them on.

"Here." Shepard grinned as she unzipped her hoodie, tossing it to the other woman. "Use that." Liara was about to protest, but the Commander cut her off. "I have another." Liara nodded and began wiping her hands on the soft black material.

"Thank you, Commander." She tried to avoid looking at the Human. In her tight N7 t-shirt… looking particularly pleasant. Liara shook her head. _Stop it! _

"Have you heard the news, by the way?"

Liara had no choice but to look at Shepard, now. She felt her heart rate pick up, the heat rising up her neck. She prayed to the Goddess that said heat would not reach her cheeks. Clearing her throat. "News?"

Shepard smirked (that lopsided smirk Liara could never get out of her mind), as she leant against the wall. Liara was struggling. "Word has it that we are being forced into Shore Leave. We're headed to the Citadel as we speak."

Liara frowned, all Shepard thoughts fleeing from her mind. "What? Why? That is ridiculous! We need to work. The Crucible-"

The Asari was cut short as Shepard held a halting hand up. "You are repeating the exact same things I've already said. Believe me, the Alliance have an answer for everything. Apparently, the Normandy needs repairs. I've acquiesced. I'm not happy about it, but needs must, apparently."

Liara snorted and shook her head. Were they insane? The Galaxy was under attack. Who had time for rest?!

"Anyway," Shepard pushed off of the wall. "I'll let you get back to whatever it is you were doing. I have a hungry Turian to feed, apparently." The Spectre went to leave, nearly rounding the corner before turning to face Liara once more. "Hey, T'Soni?"

Liara looked up, confused. "Yes, Commander?"

Shepard pointed in her direction, her lopsided smirk re-appearing. Liara felt her heart clench in her chest. "Nice pyjamas." Shepard gave her a wink before turning the corner, vanishing out of sight.

Looking down, Liara realised her mistake. She was wearing a tight vest and, obviously, no brazier. She felt the heat well and truly touch her cheeks this time. She quickly slipped back into her office, locking the door behind her so she could lean against the metallic surface and slide down it.

Liara could have, and should have kicked herself. Fancy nearly exposing yourself to your Commanding Officer.

"Well, at least she appreciated it…"

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><p><em>AN: Thanks, again, to those that read this. I know it's a slow moving train, but that's the fun of it right? There will be more to come very shortly. It's already in the pipeline._

_Thanks to my reviewers and so on. You folks are great. _

_**N.J, out. **_


End file.
